So many people believe that it is the things outside of them that determines the outcomes of their lives. W. Clement Stone is known for his quote – “You are a product of your environment”… This used in psychology and sociology, teaches us that whatever is going on in our immediate area will affect us. This leaves the audience feeling scared and disempowered.
What most people leave out in his quote is: “So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective. Analyze your life in terms of its environment.”
If you have been following from the beginning of my blog – you will know that this is the 5th blog talking about one of the 8 Elements in us all that when shaped help attract a passion, purpose and plan for our life.
What is a relationship?
Simply put it is something that resides in you. Relating to someone or something comes from your ability to ask questions and analyze. For example: questions like, what does this mean and what should I do? A relationship is a memory being recalled about previous interaction with that person, and your analyzing (questioning) of who they are, what they mean to you and what you should do about a situation that has presented itself with them.
Ever notice, when you are in a good relationship everything is better? Scenery, people, smells, sounds, tastes they all are wonderfully enhanced. What are you saying to yourself?
But have you ever been in a toxic relationship? Whether it be professional or personal? You don’t see things as beautiful. You focus on how bad things are. You are in the state of blaming others. You are cranky. You don’t sleep well and you feel like there is a knot in the middle of your stomach. There may even be pain elsewhere in your body. Why is that? What is going on in your mind?
Maybe you are in a bad relationship now. How does it feel? What sort of visions do you get? What kinds of things are being said? Do you find yourself saying at times things are not logical?
When you are in a relationship that is less than adequate, your job is not to resist it, or want to fight or get frustrated or worse become complacent and accept it as be all end all. Your job – from today forward – is to look at all the things you don’t like in your toxic relationship acknowledge them and let them be, while you move your focus to what you want out of the relationship you are in.
Try this:
1) write down all the things you don’t like or want in your relationship. List all the annoyances, the frustrations the comments, the look, the feel, the conversational topics, all of it.
2) then ask yourself, ‘What do I want?” and write them down. Again all the things that you would like to have and would enjoy.
That process alone will allow you to get clear and clarity of what you want is powerful. This works on all relationships whether they be personal or professional.
3 Relating Skills to Master
1) “Mind your tone”
There is an old adage that says, it is not what you say but how you say it, that matters. When you are alone with someone you can trust… ask them which feels better: when you say, “I really appreciate you” in quick short choppy words… OR in a slow, softer tone at a slower pace.
I will bet it is the latter. Try it and come back to comment below.
2) What kinds of questions are you asking?
When you have a relationship whether it is in its infancy or it is seasoned one, the kinds of questions you ask determine the level of engagement from the other person. If you ask close ended questions (ones with yes/no answers), you will find that you need to ask A LOT of questions to have a conversation. Usually they start with Is this… or Do you… or Will is…
If you want to have an engaging discussion then you need open ended questions (usually start with what or how). If you do ask these – remember to be In a listening mode. No one likes talking to the wall. It makes them feels unimportant or not wanted.
We all have a story we want to share. So the golden rule applies here – do unto others as you want done unto you. Like Mr Stone said, “Choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective.” Ask questions you want to know the answers to.
3) If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything all.
There is not much to add here – except for this, You can never take back your words once they are out of your mouth.
3 Types of Relationships:
- Self
- Personal
- Professional
Self
Excerpt from – How to Reinvent Midlife Dreams
When you love you, so do others. And they actually let you love them. It is a sense of respect that you give yourself that they want a piece of. It is contagious when you love.
Is there someone you respect or would like to have in your circle of friends? Why is that? How do they carry themselves. What is it about them you like? When you chase it back to the little things they do to what they say or how they say it, it all stems from them loving themselves. Just as the contrary is true. Those you want to avoid, probably are not people who have a lot of love for themselves.
You need to love you – before you can love someone else.
Personal
This is a pretty big group. It would include, family (but NOT your spouse – look below for Intimate Relationships), friends, associates and acquaintances. All the relationships outside of your business world would be in the group.
As in business what you bring to them is more important and more beneficial than what you get. Let me say that again a little differently, what you bring to the relationship is more important than what you get from a relationship. This is based on one key philosophy: Relationships are in you.
“Wait what?” I can hear you say to yourself. Before we get too far down this road, just for a moment think about someone who you have not seen, talked to or sat with for a while. Think about when the last time you were together. How was the experience? How did you feel saying good bye? How were each of you dressed? What was spoken about? What was the weather like?
I know what you are thinking – “but there are two people in a relationship.” And you are correct but you cannot control the other person. The relationship you know to have is based on your rules and wants and desires and values and beliefs and and and. all from your perspective. The other person can only describe how they feel about it.
Would you agree that if someone passes away that you still have memories with that person? You can picture them, or hear their voice or even feel them. That is how you relate to them. When you realize that a relationship is inside you – you will be able to shape it.
Loving Ones
A loving relationship is one of the most important relationships you can have in your life. Now if you are going through a divorce then – detach yourself from the person and think about what having an intimate relationship means to you? If you are single same goes for you. Whether you are in a loving relationship or looking for one I have a written a guidebook you can have right away for FREE – The Secrets to a Loving Relationship Guidebook
In it you will learn:
- What to do when the relationship hits a bump and starts to unravel
- What can be done to bring back the spark
- How you can find that deep meaningful relationship
Professional
Most of us either work (or worked) for a business, have a business or are working on one. What do you think one of the most important elements in your business is?
The answer: RELATIONSHIPS
Consider – customers, vendors, employees, media, shareholders, government, partners.
If you only take from these relationships – how long do you think that relationship will last?
Now I know you are thinking “we need to take from the client or I won’t survive” But if you don’t provide or give something of value… will they buy? No (or not often). Here is the tough part – who decides if it is valuable? The answer is – They do. So you better bring something to that relationship or it will not be one you will enjoy having.
Business owners hire me to help them with the intention of growing their profits, sales and/or marketshare. What they quickly learn is, their success long term comes down to one skillset: Branding. The single most important thing a company can do to ensure long term success. I show them how Branding in their business is an ongoing process that they cannot shy away from.
Whether you are Branding or you are not branding…. You are still branding.
Let me demonstrate in a picture:
- Your business takes some kind of action outside of itself (usually talk to the marketplace).
- There is a result because of that action.
- You look at the result.
- You adjust, then you…
- take some kind of action.
- There is a result because of it.
- You look at the result.
- You adjust, then you…
- take some kind of action.
- There is a result because of it.
- You look at the result.
- You adjust, then you…
Do you see a pattern? This is you continuously making adjustments in your business until you reach your goal or desired outcome. This is the ongoing process of Branding.
And this is exactly what happens when you want to build relationships.
a) You take some action (if you don’t take any action – that is still action).
b) There is a result because of your action
c) You evaluate the result – in other words, to quote Mr Stone – “Analyze”
d) You choose and then take some other action. All to realize your objectives.
Whether you want to relate or don’t want to relate you are still relating.
As you finish reading this – I want you to begin to understand that we have a relationship. Whether it is for a fleeting moment or for many years to come, my purpose is to be mindful of your needs. If you would like to enhance your relationships but are unsure how to, mentoring can be effective strategy. As a certified coach I have a proven step by step system to help you.
BEFORE you make any decision to see if my help is for you … you can pre-order a copy of my book – How To Reinvent Midlife Dreams and receive a FREE coaching session with me. Learn more.
What you do and want from our relationship is up to you – remember relationships are in you. I am committed to helping you. I am grateful for you taking the time to read the blog and I look forward to reading your comments and hearing how you have been able to create amazing relationships.
Kevin Huhn
Award Winning Expert/
Certified Coach
Author, How to Reinvent Midlife Dreams
Founder, Savour Your Midlife Dreams
www.KevinHuhn.com
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